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November 22, 2008
Exclusive: And Now, A Message From Lee Iacocca
Hello America, my name is Lee Iacocca. You may remember me as the boy genius that literally saved the American automobile industry in the late ‘70s. Yes, I realize that no one, and I mean no one, wants to look back to the time of bell-bottoms, disco, and Abba, but please indulge me for a moment. I spent 32 years working for the Ford Motor Company. Well, until that uppity Henry Ford II fired me. I guess because his daddy created the company that gave him the right to be Caesar? Heck, that Model-T got terrible gas mileage, and had no protection from flying pebbles and stones! Have you seen the faces of the owners of those contraptions? Nothing but pocks and scratches, I tell ya! Now, the Pinto; that was a quality car . . .
I’m sorry. Where was I? Ah yes, my vaunted career. After “leaving” Ford, I landed on my feet and soon became chairman, president, and CEO of Chrysler Corporation in 1979. Boy that was a sweet gig: company car, Cuban cigars, and hot and cold running secretaries. Life was good. And it was good because I was making a quality car at a quality price. Remember the K-Car line: the Dodge Aries and the Plymouth Reliant? Everyone wanted one, and if they couldn’t get one, they stole one. Steal-ability. That is the mark of a great automobile.
Why the heck did we classify those vehicles as “K-Cars” anyway? There is nary a “k” in either of them! But I digress.
The reason I am here today is because I would like to comment on the deterioration of the “Big Three” auto companies – Chrysler, Ford, and General Motors – and the economic troubles that have plagued this country have stretched to Detroit. The industry is in dire financial straits, and everyone from the highest CEO to the lowliest wrench turner is feeling the pinch. Money is tight, people are losing their jobs, and some executives have been forced to take commercial airlines! If these trends continue, The Motor City will soon become a terrible place to work and live. Do we really want to see the great city of Detroit receive that fate? Of course not.
So, what are we to do? Some auto executives are pleading their cases to Congress, and requesting a $25 billion bailout. “Oh Lordy, will someone please help us?” they cry. Can you imagine? In my day, we would have pulled a George Patton and slapped these “men” in the face. You are Americans, gentlemen. Would you kindly begin to act like it? The auto industry does not need a bailout. The auto industry does not need a government loan. Heck, since you are asking for such pie-in-the-sky gifts, why not ask for a solid gold bowtie and a few diamond-studded cummerbunds? This is madness!
Luckily, I am here to assuage your fears and cure your madness. I will give you the two-pronged recipe for success, and I will not accept a dime for it. I will, however, require a 50-foot tall granite monument in my image erected in the center of Lake Michigan, simply to satisfy my tremendous ego. Let’s begin, shall we?
First, you need to stop heeding the “advice” of the hippies and the environmentalist wackos. What have they ever given this country, except rubber band bracelets and terrible-looking cars? Americans don’t care a whit about gas mileage and carbon emissions. They care about looking cool and going from zero to 60 in a nanosecond. Do you think you will be able to do that in a Prius? Think again.
I helped design the Ford Mustang, arguably the coolest car of all time. I know what people want, and people want big, fast, attractive automobiles. If you want to win back the American consumer, you need to build these cars. You need to build them with dual exhausts, running boards, and tail fins! Okay, maybe not tail fins, but a blower pushing through the hood wouldn’t hurt.
Next, you need to market yourselves to the target audience. Advertising executives claim that males aged 18 to 39 are the most coveted demographic in the country. They are also the shallowest. I should know: I am a male who was once 18 to 39. When I was within that target range, the only things I cared about were hot broads. (Can we say “broads” anymore? I can never remember the rules of political correctness.) You could advertise a bucket full of inchworms costing $50, but if you added an attractive woman to hold the bucket, those worms would sell like hotcakes! You can do the same with your cars.
Initiate a new marketing program centered on beautiful women showing off beautiful cars. Believe me, it won’t matter if the car gets three miles to the gallon, starts with a manual crank, or has really itchy upholstery: guys will buy it immediately. As long as the woman is pretty – steer well clear of Helen Thomas types – I guarantee that you will be swimming in dough. Stop thinking like you are in 2008, and start thinking like you are in 1978. Chauvinism is in, baby! Now, get out there and flaunt it!
Look, this plan will not revitalize the auto industry in a matter of hours, but it will eliminate the need for a government handout. This plan will start you down the road to success. It is a road that leads to the resurrection of the American automobile, and the salvation of your self-respect. Gentlemen, I beseech you to turn down this road.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective fromPhilly. You can visit his blog here.
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